Recently, I learnt that our local Coles supermarket is somewhat of a national testing ground. Apparently our suburb is almost equally covered by poor, middle-class, rich, and drug-abusing-AFL-player demographics – creating an ideal environment for Coles to test their latest bonkers ideas on us.
New store layouts and other experiments are constantly carried out at our Coles, and then carried out nationally if they work. This explains why products and layouts at our Coles keep moving around so freaking much. It’s almost impossible to find some products because where milk once lived, is now the new home of sliced meats. In particular, our fruit and veg section changes layouts constantly – everything from its current farmer’s market setup, to the bizarre diagonal aisles we had last year.
Coles also regularly test store opening celebrations at our local supermarket. Sounds very jolly in theory, but there’s only so many weekends in a row I can handle Con the Fruiterer yelling out Coles propaganda around our main street.
More interestingly, it explains why I always see Coles staff suspiciously hovering around the supermarket with clipboards. After someone did a really bad job of inconspicuously following me around the supermarket recently, I jokingly asked them what was going on, and found out that I’m shopping in a test marketing hotbed.
Someone tracking my grocery shopping is kind of creepy, so my new plan is thus: when I next spot a Coles staff member trailing me, I’ll purchase as many phallic vegetables as I can, then zoom to the medicinal aisle and agonise over lubricants. If lube starts popping up around the fruit and veg section of your local Coles in the coming months, you’ll know whot o thank.
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