Posts tagged as:

Adam

Indoor Lawns: Not the Greatest Interior Design Idea

October 26, 2009

We’ve owned the most offensive rug in the universe for some years now. I’m considering burning the damn thing. At some point in the past, Adam decided that he wanted a new rug for the lounge room, and was very set on getting a specific colour. He was suspiciously secretive about what he had in [...]

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Hey, We’re Just Protecting the Neighbourhood

July 29, 2009

Every now and then, I gleefully entertain fantasies of laughing in the face of my current job, and becoming a full-time house painter. A mate of mine continues to espouse a theory that a bunch of us could all easily slap a few licks of paint on buildings for a living, but makes the activity [...]

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My Boyfriend, the Psychic Medical Doctor

July 27, 2009

Last week, Adam embarked on his traditional Friday night drunken bicycle ride home from work. Unluckily for him, the sky was shedding more tears than the contestants of a Channel 10 reality show, and the roads were rather sodden. This resulted in a spectacular stack on his part – he was trying to lean into [...]

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Why You Shouldn’t Let Drug Dealers Handle Your Financial Affairs

April 29, 2009

Have you ever noticed how all “addicts” in those “OH GOD DON’T BECOME AN ADDICT OR YOUR FACE WILL BECOME PREGNANT AND YOU’LL IMPLODE” scare campaign ads look exactly the same? It doesn’t even matter what the addiction is – drugs, gambling, chronic masturbation, using Microsoft Publisher to create fuchsia-heavy signage – all the “addict” [...]

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Trapdance

April 26, 2009

My boyfriend has recently been inflicting an abhorrent form of mental warfare. Whenever he’s doing his absolute best to shit me, out comes this slow rumble: “Heads… shoulders… knees and toes…. knees… and… toes….” That’s all it takes for the goddamn song to be stuck in my head all day. Just like any good torturer [...]

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Backdraft 2: Revenge of the Electric Blanket

April 21, 2009

I’m one of those kids who grew up in the fearless 80s with both an electric blanket and an occasional bed-wetting problem. Hey, I turned out okay! My parents even refused to replace my Target-brand electric blanket when it began exposing raw wires, assuring me “it’ll be right”. Perhaps it’s the childhood comfort of climbing [...]

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My Drunk Boyfriend Explains the Internet in 2015

April 10, 2009

Last night: Me: That national broadband network announcement is brilliant, hey? Adam: Huh? I didn’t see anything. Me: The government’s installing a fibre-to-the-home network across the country. Adam: Oh, what a load of rubbish. Me: What are you talking about? That’s the best outcome we could have hoped for! Adam: You watch, it’ll all be [...]

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Spice Me Up

April 7, 2009

Just like Grant Bowler’s pectoral muscles, my palate is getting spicier as time goes by (seriously, have you seen him in Outrageous Fortune? This is not the weedy guy who hosted The Mole any more!) You couldn’t get anyone more adverse to hot, spicy food than me a few years ago. Then I accidentally consumed [...]

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The Terror of Green Energy

April 4, 2009

Our mate Ken lives in the same suburb as Adam and I, so we always get any advance warning if door-to-door salesmen are hitting the local area. They always seem to hit his end of town first, so he’s always quick to send us a warning of utility contract vampires on the prowl. Warnings are [...]

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I Telecommanded Your Mum

February 19, 2009

Everyone’s got those lovey-dovey couples’ nicknames for each other… honeypie. Sweetie. Erotically charged buttock-boil. (Okay, maybe we’re not all married to Dani Filth). What I truly relish is those nicknames ascending into highly abusive condemnations, which somehow still remain endearing. Yelling “NOOB!” at each other over the last few years has somehow organically blossomed into [...]

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