Posts tagged as:

Celebrities

How to Stop Showering and Score Girls

September 15, 2009

What’s wrong with this sentence? You look homeless, smell like you’ve bathed in Tommy Lee’s sweat, have almost no cash to your name, are borderline alcoholic, can barely string a legible sentence together but are utterly drowning in the affections of women. HOW? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN? Simply add the words “you play guitar in [...]

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List of People Who Should Always be Followed Around in Public by Someone Playing the Benny Hill Theme on a Loudspeaker

June 16, 2009

Mark Latham The Queen Andrew Bolt Gretel Killeen, whenever accompanied by a toy boy Sam Newman (with pauses in the music whenever he opens his mouth) Anyone who appears in a Zoot Review Danni Minogue, whenever confronted with cameras Any metal singer, whenever they tap or punch their own chest Todd McKenney Anyone working in [...]

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Undertele: A Tale of Two Trujillos

March 19, 2009

What would happen if Rob Trujillo (bassist for Metallica) and Sol Trujillo (head honcho at telemegaglobocorp Telstra) were brothers and forced to live together? A HILARIOUS SITCOM, THAT’S WHAT. UNDERTELE: A TALE OF TWO TRUJILLOS (credits roll) ROB TRUJILLO: (knocks on door) Sol, I’m home! SOL TRUJILLO: (opens door) Why are you here! Leave me [...]

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Pepsi Homo

September 28, 2005

I didn’t believe it when I heard it either, but fellow Pepsi Max-injecting junkies rejoice! There’s a new (albeit temporary) flavour of Pepsi sprouting up like crabs in the Logan twins’ jocks across the country. Alerted to me by Kate and Henry (whose camera-phone skills I must acknowledge here), it seems that Pepsi Samba (yes [...]

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Something just dawned on me

January 19, 2005

Y’know what’s clobbered me over the head today, out of sheer surprise? Dawn Fraser has so far managed not to be wheeled out onto a major news program and jabber out her misguided opinions on a major sporting event (the Australian Open). My pickled memory assures me this is the first international-level pursuit of sport [...]

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Canadon’t

January 31, 2003

A quick phone call from work just then confirmed that Adam and I can safely cross out the moving-to-Canada option. The terms on which I’d be sent over there are pretty unfavourable, so we’ve decided to screw it. Or snow-fuck it, as the case may be. Hopefully I’ll still get this new job I’ve applied [...]

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The Transvestite Lesbian Disabled Satanist With No Legs Who Has Sex With Animals on Thursdays and is Bald Dating Show

December 17, 2001

Approximately a month ago, I was lying mute and pickled with bourbon on our couch in the middle of the night, observing a channel-flipping combo of late night talk shows, infomercials and wacky Christian evangelistic ‘miracles’. In the midst of my listless flicking around, a booming ad suddenly blared forth at me. ‘Do you want [...]

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Introducing the 1st Annual ZGeek vs. World Wide Jeb Celebrity Harassment Challenge

June 8, 2001

I work with two of the guys who run ZGeek, and it seems Pirate has received an interesting email from Fred Nile. While I think this is damn funny, I’m secretly jealous. Well… incredibly jealous. See, I think I’m far more deserving of an angry email from Australia’s favourite wacky Crazy-Christ homophobe. My gay gland [...]

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Warning: Cleo Bachelor of the Year 2002 Spoiler Within Body of Text

May 8, 2001

Perhaps it’s a message from God that the world isn’t ready for something that sounds so beautifully cherubic in my head (in a heavy metal way) – my singing. Sure. Go ahead and dismiss it as a straining, clamourous atonal shouting, but I won’t take your opinion to heart. Oh no. I’ll only take your [...]

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God Has an Announcement

April 30, 2001

Hello. It is God here. I would like to make an important announcement. Today I would like to announce the end of the world. Excuse me. Could you hush a little up the back? What? You’ve..? Oh, I’ll answer questions afterwards. Stop bothering me! You can ask me any other time you want, you know. [...]

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