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Drinks

Five Examples of Why You Should Complain to Companies About Bad Products

June 18, 2009

You like free stuff, right? Then next time something goes wrong with something you’ve bought from the supermarket, I demand you let the manufacturer know.
After a recent messy packaging explosion, I was so irked by a product splurging laundry detergent all over my chest (no, it’s not hot – there’s a reason that’s never been [...]

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‘Tis the Season To Be Terrified

December 13, 2008

Curses! I’ve normally completed all of my dreary Christmas shopping in November, but seem to have dropped the ball this year. At the risk of my mental coherence, I’m about to plunge headlong into Melbourne’s major shopping area less than two weeks before Christmas.
Considering how bonkers things can get in major department stores at this [...]

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Pepsi Homo

September 28, 2005

I didn’t believe it when I heard it either, but fellow Pepsi Max-injecting junkies rejoice! There’s a new (albeit temporary) flavour of Pepsi sprouting up like crabs in the Logan twins’ jocks across the country. Alerted to me by Kate and Henry (whose camera-phone skills I must acknowledge here), it seems that Pepsi Samba (yes [...]

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A Warning to Schweppes

August 7, 2005

Just when I’m happily taking my time on a leisurely, ambling Sunday afternoon walk, I hear this awful noise from behind a fence: a cat retching its guts out.
Upon noticing my presence, it puts the regurgitation on pause, and angrily stumbles in front of me, glares intensely, then vomits profusely.
It’s one thing to notice some [...]

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Beverage-Related Roundup

June 13, 2005

1. Diet Coke was featuring a contest over the last few weeks – “Win the Life of an X-Factor Contestant!” In retrospect, this would seem to be either an ill-advised investment by Coke’s marketing team; or an incredibly well-planned piece of quasi-existential art (ie, it would now seem that everyone is a winner).
2. We [...]

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Water and Oxygen Bars

June 6, 2004

Seeing as every man and his wheatgrass-shot-fuelled dog seems to be opening up juice bars, I figured there must be another way for people to happily fork over $8.50 to wait in a line for 20 minutes for a small cup of fruity flesh.
Also bearing in mind that bottled water is a ridiculous scam… I’m [...]

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Choc-o-lethalé

May 13, 2001

Blocking any memory of my call centre jobs from my subconscious is something I’ve learnt is best for my mental health. Unfortunately, like painfully saccharin sweet TV dating game shows, these memories unwantedly bob to the surface and cause severe mental trauma.
I’ve always admired the tact of call centre trainers who promise through gritted teeth [...]

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Four Insults

January 17, 2001

Today I witnessed or was on the recieving end of four insults, which I present for you here. Please attempt to use them in casual conversation tomorrow (ESPECIALLY number 4).
1. One of the girls who sits near me has just got her hair cut really short. Everyone thought it looked really nice.
Me: Hey, that looks [...]

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Bird of Rage

November 13, 2000

‘Hello? HELLO!’ the insane Italian woman rapped on our door. When we didn’t answer because we’re so scared of her, she moved on to all the other units in our building. Not one person dared answer their door.
This is the insane woman who tried to enter Adam and my unit without my permission, as she [...]

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Lateral Potatoes

October 10, 2000

After my drunken weekend shenanigans, I decided to tell my mates at work about the Throwing Up In A Garbage Bin incident, but to modify it slightly. I decided I’d make it sound like I was genuinely sick, and that I was sick at Central train station instead of in the city itself.
Big Mo: Are [...]

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