Posts tagged as:

Drugs

Why Most Kids Will Be Snorting the Output of a PedEgg™ in the Future

May 1, 2009

Everyone seems to have a mate of a mate who’s a drug-based version of the Tasmanian Devil. Someone who runs around with pupils the size of nearby planets, manically shouting about how high they are, before collapsing in a heap mid-sentence then spending five hours staring at the pavement. When they come down, all they [...]

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Why You Shouldn’t Let Drug Dealers Handle Your Financial Affairs

April 29, 2009

Have you ever noticed how all “addicts” in those “OH GOD DON’T BECOME AN ADDICT OR YOUR FACE WILL BECOME PREGNANT AND YOU’LL IMPLODE” scare campaign ads look exactly the same? It doesn’t even matter what the addiction is – drugs, gambling, chronic masturbation, using Microsoft Publisher to create fuchsia-heavy signage – all the “addict” [...]

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Design-arr Patches

July 23, 2005

This afternoon, I happened to notice a dude in the city wearing an pirate patch. It sure didn’t look like it was for medical reasons, either. I’ve totally been waiting for pirate patches to become cool, seeing as I’m blind in one eye anyway. I’d get one off eBay but I can only seem to [...]

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I’m on the Black

February 3, 2001

It dawned on me how much this was like an Atari game. In fact, the more difficult it became not to collapse and somersault down the escalator, I was positive it had been an Atari game. Drunkenly, I decided I could award myself bonus points if I walked down the escalator as it transported me [...]

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Okay, So Maybe I’ll Just Start With Lust, Anger and Sloth

January 29, 2001

From now on, I’ll probably never have to worry about what the hell a baguette is ever again. They’ve been appearing on my work cafeteria’s menu board for some time now and have caused continual debate. From now on, I probably won’t ever get to visit the Powerhouse Museum’s LEGO Action Show with my boss. [...]

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Oh! I Forgot Your Heroin

July 11, 2000

Me: (answers phone) Hello, how can I help you? My mum: Oh, hello! It’s your mum! Me: Oh, hi! How’s it going! My mum: Good! Just calling to say that we’ll meet you outside your work tonight, when you finish. We just arrived in Sydney from our Brisbane holiday. Me: Um… weren’t you supposed to [...]

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The Automovehicle

June 24, 2000

At work on Wednesday: Mr Marketing: Parappa, just to make sure you know, you’re not allowed to smoke outside this building, okay? Parappa the Rapper: Well, I don’t smoke anyway, but why is that? Mr Marketing: Apparently the boss thinks it’s a bad image for our company. Jen: I heard he fired someone on the [...]

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I’d Shoot Myself if My Banana Went Black, Too

March 3, 2000

Yes, I got a haircut. Anyone who makes comments like ‘Vanilla Ice lives!’ in the guestbook will get beaten up. The new Torquay McDonalds opens next week. It’s going to be such a laugh, half of Torquay is for it and half is against it, so there’s going to be demonstrations and everything out the [...]

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Screw this Raping and Pillaging, I’m Going Home to do the Gentle Touch Crossword

March 1, 2000

Big changes are ahead for me. I’m quitting my job to move in with my new man in Sydney, Adam. This’ll all happen in around the middle of March. This will prove very interesting as I know as much about Sydney as I do about the clitoris. (Damn you, homosexuality!) I might have to get [...]

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Oui! Oui, L’coh, Oui!

January 25, 2000

Today I got a phone call from a consumer survey group who I’ve signed up with. I normally hate people ringing me up for surveys, but sometimes these people call me into their offices to do surveys – and I get paid $40 for each survey so I think that’s pretty fair. So far I’ve [...]

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