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Shops

Costcan’t

October 22, 2009

Although I’ve completely bagged Costco in the past, there’s been a growing sense that I need to visit their stupid new store and buy copious quantities of EVERYTHING THEY SELL. Why the sudden turnaround? It’s the same thing that happens when I don’t visit Ikea at least once a month. Or if I don’t quietly [...]

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Gaslight Music: Melbourne’s Most Naked and Awesome Record Store

September 28, 2009

Melbourne’s best and most bizarre record store has got to be the sadly-demised Gaslight Music. What other music store was famous for annual nude days, semi-secret promotions which involved making a spectacle of yourself in the store for free CDs and in-store appearances that constantly resulted in the store’s destruction? Although it closed in 2005, [...]

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Our Local Cursed Cafe

September 7, 2009

Our local cafe is suffering a curse from the retail gods. Like Pauline Hanson descending into battiness and railing against every form of mass media known to man, it’s an insurmountable struggle that somehow continues unfolding over time. I’m not entirely sure what the properietors of this particular cafe have done wrong to repeatedly find [...]

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Why I Won’t Be Visiting Costco Any Time Soon

August 17, 2009

Costco opened for business in Melbourne today, like a lumbering elephant galloping into the world of Aussie retail. As far as I can tell, the store chain has melded together a supermarket, K-Mart, jewellery store and undertakers (seriously – they sell coffins) then injected everything with steroids. It sounds impossible to buy anything in a [...]

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Where Have all the Bizarre Two-in-One Stores Gone?

July 3, 2009

If you grew up in the country, you’d be familiar with the concept of bizarre hybrid stores. In townships with smaller populations, you’d frequently find stores melding hardware with children’s toys, newsagents with chemists and other such strange combinations. To prevent a complete homogenisation of our urban shopping strips, I call for a re-institution of [...]

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The Stupidest Retail Outlets in My End of the City

March 9, 2009

Hope everyone in Melbourne survived the minor earthquake on Friday night without any problems, and nobody was getting their genitals pierced or tattoos inked at the time. Just can’t help but fret that someone, somewhere, underwent a horrible body modification experience with unexpected earthquake-induced consequences… It’s a public holiday here today, so most of the [...]

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Coles: Now Stalking Me For Your Benefit

March 5, 2009

Recently, I learnt that our local Coles supermarket is somewhat of a national testing ground. Apparently our suburb is almost equally covered by poor, middle-class, rich, and drug-abusing-AFL-player demographics – creating an ideal environment for Coles to test their latest bonkers ideas on us. New store layouts and other experiments are constantly carried out at [...]

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Pyschic Drag Queen Attack

August 2, 2005

So my experiment to stay continuously drunk nine days straight has hit a slight snag. Occasionally I keep passing out and waking up sober. Everything is now refined to staying drunk at least 80% of the time, during PM hours. And I think I’m at least halfway successful in that respect. Of course, being smashed [...]

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David Jones End of Financial Year Punch-in-the-Fucking-Cakehole Sale

July 21, 2005

A family member sent me an amount of David Jones vouchers for my birthday. So off I duly trundled, to go and cash in my present for… well, I wasn’t quite sure. This got me thinking: I can’t even remember the last time I visited David Jones. Ever. In fact, I’ve never once in my [...]

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Bread, Milk, Nipple

February 9, 2005

I’ve always enjoyed living near the city, although our current house has presented a rather unique problem. There’s a small corner store near here, which we frequent for simple grocery requirements. However, should we be after something markedly supermarket-esque, need to hire a DVD, or visit a newsagent… that involves a visit to Australia’s largest [...]

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